Hello friends, it's been a while.
I would apologize for my lengthy absence, but probably you have missed me far more than I have missed you. I mean wait. Take that, reverse it. Aw what the hell it's been a while how've you been? Good? Good.
It's been a dark time chez Olivia. Literally. I know you're all going to scream and convulse, raise your palms to the heavens and cry, "WHAT IN GOD'S NAME WERE YOU THINKING?!??!", but for a while there, I went brunette. I don't know what came over me. Maybe it was the gray, overcast skies of Washington or my deep seated need to truly become Bella Swan and find my own sparkle vampire, but I just decided one day that it was time.
And then I spent the next six weeks regretting it. (Sorry, Meghan, you really did do a fantastic job on the color but it truly isn't me.)
So I'm back to blonde and back to writing and I write to you today to share with you an important story and a few important lessons for the holiday season.
You see, today was the first day I have worked a Black Friday. Weird, because I've worked retail in the past but somehow I always managed to duck out of it. Not because I wanted to sleep off my feasts, mind you, but because I had my own very important shopping to do.
Now, there are few things that have translated across the generations, especially between my mother and me. She has an innate ability to fix things, I have an uncanny knack for breaking them. She has a sixth sense about choosing the right animals for pets; the last animal I was allowed to choose is very fat, very dumb, and likes to bite people when they try to pet him.
But one thing has not been lost. My mother and I share the gene for shopping. And I'm not talking about your run of the mill oh-I'll-get-this-because-it's-on-the-list-and-gee-look-it's-on-sale shoppers. I'm not even talking about the die hards who will knock an old lady over at Loehmann's to get a deal on a leopard print Moschino Cheap and Chic trenchcoat A STEAL AT $250. No, my mother and I have a savvy shopping mentality that will get anyone through the holidays, and I was made even more sure of that standing on the other side of the counter this morning.
My morning began at the ripe old our of 2AM, my phone's alarm clock beeping in an almost apathetic way, as if even it didn't believe we were actually doing this. But oh, phone, we were. Some things are worth going to bed at 6pm for. Well, most things are worth going to bed at 6pm for, because let's be real, how awesome is it to go to bed at 6pm? It's like, fuck you world, I have important things to do in the morning and I am going to be prepared THANKSGIVING NIGHT TV BE DAMNED.
ANYWAY, I woke up and had to take a shower and slap on a pretty face and get ready for the hoards. My mother rolled out of bed and did something similar, but with less green eyeshadow. She dropped me off at the mall at 4, which was already hopping because a bunch of stores had already been open at midnight. While I was mopping and sweeping and vacuuming, she moseyed on over to Target to fight her way through the crowds to buy me the Vampire Diaries DVDs I so desperately want for Christmas. (Go ahead, judge me, I don't care, at $12.99 they were a STEAL.)
And this is where I get to the strategic part. I saw lots of rookie mistakes today. My mother saw lots of rookie mistakes today. C'mon people. Shopping isn't a science. It's an art. You have to hit the stores with purposeful, delicate, yet confident strokes. So here are some tips.
1) Get sleep. I mean, seriously. This should be simple. The people who stumbled into Sephora at 6AM with glazed eyes who'd been shopping since 10PM which was just after they had loaded themselves up with tryptophan immediately following a day full of beer and football? Poor choices. You know those people don't know what half of that shit in their bags is. I don't care if they had $12 HDTVs at Walmart last night. If you want that TV, you do the smart thing and get sleep.
2) Plan ahead, dude. There's a reason they print those ads with everything that's on sale. That way you know what you're going to get. And what stores you can skip. Do you really need those Charter Club cardigans (a deal at $39.99 for a poly-cotton blend!)? No. You don't. Skip that store.
3) Think about how much you really love your family. I mean seriously. Do you love them enough to stand in line at the Electronics section of Target for three hours to pay hundreds of dollars for a TV they could get on Craigslist in about three months? Here's your answer: no. My mother and I are smart because we know our limits. We know where to get our electronics. From reputable dealers like Goodwill and the street. Those places don't make you wait in lines and usually their products come with fun bells and whistles. Like our TV. $40 at Goodwill and all you have to do to get it to work is hit it hard on the upper left corner a couple times while hitting the ON button. FUN! What sale TV from Target will do that, I ask you?
4) Know when to quit. Did you only buy two of those snowglobes with the candle holder? It's fine. That's plenty. Are they only 75% off today and maybe Aunty May will decide to show up and whatever will you give her if she does come? Go home. Aunty May is usually a bitch anyway and sure as hell won't bring you anything. Also, once you get some sleep you will realize that those snow globes were a terrible idea and you will want to return them anyway.
Also, and I know I already tweeted this, but I'm going to reiterate it. If you can't figure out how to work the credit card reader at the cash register, go home. Because you shouldn't be allowed to have a credit card. Or drive. Or have a job with any kind of responsibility.
So those are my tips. I have lots of other ideas but I have to go to bed now because I have to do this all over again tomorrow. Thanks for reading, if you did!
Love and kisses,
Olivia
who is very thankful for run-on sentences and doorbuster deals
