Damn you, Sparkle Vampires!

So there is a phenomenon I would like my East Coast friends to know about. It’s very serious and unexpected, and I need to share. I call this phenomenon sparkle vampire weather.

If you were able to avoid watching the Twilight movies or reading the books, good for you. Let me give you a brief course. Stephenie Meyer, the “author” (read: evildoer) who concocted that travesty of teen fiction decided that the reason that vampires can't be in the sun is because they **SPARKLE**.

This is what happens when bad writing happens to good myths.

So where do these sparkly vampires go to keep their iridescent identities concealed? Why, none other than Washington! Right where I happen to have moved! Because this is where the sun comes to DIE.

It is cold. It is rainy. It is cloudy when it isn't rainy. It is snowing when it isn't rainy or cloudy. But it's always cold. Look, Boston, I get that you couldn't drink your water for a couple days. That sucks. But it's like 70 there on average in May and it's like -20 here.

Also, nothing has the same name here. Edy's is called Dreyer's, Hellman's is called Best Foods (although that whole "Bring out the best" slogan makes a whole lot more sense that way, but I DON'T CARE IT'S WRONG), Shaw's is Albertson's, there's not a single Dunkin Donuts in the STATE.

So I'm just going to blame it on Stephenie Meyer. It seems only fair.